crushed dreams!!!

we can dream and keep on dream...
in my case,i dream n dream hard until i almost got it...
but then,
this BASTARD came and turn it into a NIGHTMARE!!!

these are the dreams that was crushed instantlu ->

-kinder,wanna take mandarin class,but then he changed it to MORAL because i'll be a "MELAYU MURTAD" if i start learn mandarin...
-primary 1,got number 2 in the whole school ranking,he didn't bother to come and see me taking the award...
-primary school,got the title of best prefect,best class monitor,best librarian for the entire school but he just ignored...
-daily life,try to ask him to do something that i like,he turned me down and spents with cousins playing SOCCER...
-the 1st time i knew VOLLEYBALL from the thai movie "IRON LADIES",he forbid me from playing volleyball because of it
-primary 6 -> form 1,he told me to apply for EC,but then i told him i wanna go to SSI. i got a letter from SSI and i was accepted to the school.he let me read the letter,take it back after i finish reading and throw it away.
-form 2,my tonsils are badly swollen and my trachea was almost block by it.he put me into a specialist so that they can remove.after the operation's finishs,he accused me of spending the rm3000 that he wanna use to buy a laptop for my surgery...
-form 3 -> form 4,i wanna continue in science stream but urged me to go into "sek teknik" and take agro science. i won't go and he ain't talk to me...
-form 5,begging for tuition because i'm a darn NOOB.he won't a single cent and i have to work my ass out for the fees(RM250/month)...
-MMC,damn!!! that's the most wreckoning year with him..he forced my room-mate to spy on me everyday without me knowing it.at the end,my friend went crazy because he can't stand he kept calling him everyday!!!
-MMC ->varsity,got my upu result and was accepted into UTM for my degree.when i told both my parents,they said it is one of the worst course there is with NO FUTURE eventhough my mom is in UTM!!!
-varsity,hr forced me to change to CHEMICAL ENGINEERING because he wants CLASS when his friends ask him about me.i won't change and he's bloody furious about it X(
-varsity,play volleyball for UTM team.but then,he make it worst.to many to lists here(sorry about that...)
-and the list continues...

when you're born as a BASTARD,you'll stay as one for ETERNITY!!!!

why do u have to ruin everything???
whether i ask for something or just shut my pie hole,
u still do the thing that u always do which is become a "damn bloody BASTARD!!!!"

u always FUCK me up and ruin everything!!!
everyday u always make me starve to death!!!
u don't the things that i do and the things i don't...
u can't remember or don't know about me at all!!!
u don't give a SHIT about me!!!
u merely talk to me about anything since i was born..
eventhough we had tons of time together(just the 2 of us),u won't say a single SHIT and ignore me all the way!!!
when it comes to ur fav GWENDY DOLL,
u talk as if u'r out of breath!!!
u really enjoy look at me being miserable and all!!!
DaMN u!!!!

i'm da most unluckiest person ever that have to call u DAD!!!!!!

call from the heaven's above... o:)

it happened on the 19th of june...
me and the social service peeps went to GELANG PATAH to help some old folks with their wrecked house etc...
eventhough they aren't in a goof condition,
they still cooked dinner for us and it was delicious.. :)
couples of minutes before dinner time,
suddenly there was no light...
the whole house went dark...
we can't see a thing because it was so dark...
the old lady n her children went cranking in the kitchen to look for candles...
at the same time,
me and the others have to perform our prayers in the dark(eventhough i still don't trust HIM)...
then,
all of us have our "candle light dinner" with our pretending happy faces eventough we aren't happy for them T_T
my phone suddenly rang...
thought of going to skip it,
but then when i see the id,
HE called...i ran out of the house and start babbling like a totally different person...
miss him loadz because he's the one who raise me up throughout the whole year when i'm in malacca where i start knew life...
told him about my result...
told him about my problems...
suddenly i cant hear a thing...
the silence kept going about 10secs and then he starts...
he was furious at first... v.v
but then,
he calms down and said, "don't worry.just ignore then whether they score higher than u.the only thing that matters is u.just relax and try look back and trace where do u did wrong.soon everything will be fine.i'm sure u can score,".
everytime he calls,
the same quote came out from the phone's speaker...
we kept talking for quite sometime...
and then,
he made me realize about i'm letting HIM(God) down...
after that,
i felt a presence that i've used to feel before this...
and that's where i realise that HE never let me down...
and now,
i'm back again on track...
track where people go through to endup fly with the angels in HEAVEN ^^

thanks alot SIR for bringing me up...i felt so hard and now,i'm back again...i owe u my life...thanks again SIR :)

i cant stop that feeling... T_T

coursemates kept text and called me just to know my gpa...

i have the guts now to tell them(eventhough i wrote in my blog already...haiz...)

the bad thing about it that i really hate is this ->

people: "AIEMAN,how's your result?"

me: "so bad. i didn't even get Dean List"

people: "you're lying.tell me la how much you got?"

me: "i only get 3.31 only..."(in a sad way) T_T

people: "har!!!! how come can be like that???!!! i got 3.96 and the others all 1st class!!!"

me: "i know..."

people: "u study like hell still get bad result??!!! blah2..etc..."

see...it's not worth telling at all...my dignity turn into dusts with a blink of an eye...i can't show my face anymore...can't stand the pressure!!!

GOD!!!

why do u did this to me???!!!

i didnt do anything wrong...

i dont deserve any of these things...

what do U expect me to do??

just accept it and smile all the way???!!!!

DAMN!!!!

eventhough it cant be rectified,

it's consider cruel U know!!!! T_T

U really let me down... T_T

i dont know what to say to U anymore...

T_T........

現実は裏切るもので判断さえ!!!

hurmm...
it's kinda simple actually...
i'm come to my senses already...
who's god and who am i...
HE control everything and i'm just a humble servant trying to get trough life...
without effort,
HE won't give us any rewards...
my result is a wreck...
don't care about it anymore because it's destined to be like that and i have to accept it...
like it or not,
it happened already and no one can change it...
i don't care anymore about graduating 1st class etc...
i just wanna get through this and hope for the best...
not planning to become a STATISTICIAN actually because i'm suck in STATISTICS...
i realize that my passion is on air,
in a commercial flight going around the world...
the route to get there is so damn hard nowadays...
so,
have to be prepared and pray loads to HIM because only HE can help me...

i'm so mad actually at this particular person whom i called DAD...
because of his fucking attitude and his noobishness,
i realized,that's why i don't celebrate FATHER's DAY...
serve him right...
sometimes,
i really wish i have a great dad whom i can look up to...
i've suffered so many years because of him...
only GOD,lecs n my friends know about it...
PLEASE GOD...
PLEASE MAKE HIM REALIZE THAT HE'S SUCH A FUCKING MORON!!!
i can't stand it anymore...
AMIN...

GOD had shown me the light that i've asked for...
but i'm to afraid to go back to HIM because he'll sure be furious...
i'll come back one day...
soon...
and hope everything will come out fine... ^^

lost of FAITH and TRUST to GOD... T_T

results came out already...
fyi, mine's SUX!!!
my gpa is only 3.31...
thx loadz God for that...
i can't stop blamming Him...
i chew my ass off...
but then,
it's not worth a shit!!!! X(

i pray and pray but i can't feel his presence at all... T_T
what happened to me i don't know... T_T
i really miss Him and i want Him back in my life... T_T
God...
please show me the light so that i can go back to you...
i'm sorry for everything...
T_T

btw,
as promise,
i've breakup with my gf because i didn't get 1st class for this semester...
promise is a promise...
T_T